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Alternative swear words: part two

By Matt Johnson in Opinion & Politics

After writing solely about sports for the past couple months, I’ve decided a brief foray into a different journalistic realm would be refreshing.  Maybe I should stick to sports in the future, because when I write about other things, I come up with stuff like this.

Without further delay, I give you:


Bob Saget!

When simple, mundane tasks become problematic or you can’t remember where you left your Twilight: Breaking Dawn DVD case, just drop in the name of this Full House dad turned vulgar comedian.  You’ll find that just saying the name is very satisfying, and it takes the YAWN away from your day-to-day boring blergtivities.

Do use when you are: Forgetful, irked, peeved, mildly angry, around Brian Engelhardt, being filmed for America’s Funniest Home Videos

Do not use around: 60 year-old comedians, college reps, the cast of Full House

Shucks and Knuckles

This phrase, the brainchild of the late (oh naw she ain’t dead) great Annie O’Donnell, is one that will take your anger away faster than Oxy-Clean would take away that grass stain on your favorite pair of pony pajamas.  Just say this sweet plum cookie of a phrase and you’ll feel happier and folksier than 30 Rock’s Kenneth Parcell himself.

Do use around: Anyone who owns a farm, anyone you can slap heartily on the back while saying it, grandpas

Do not use around: People with abnormally large knuckles, people who own brass knuckles, yuppies, general city folk

I’m Out

This subtle yet bold clause is one that will let you assert your dominance over everything and everyone, from tall people to household appliances to feline companions.  If one of your friends is arguing with you, just GIVE UP in his face by uttering these simple two words.  If your KitchenAid microwave refuses to properly heat up your  cinnamon toast, display that you are higher on the food chain than that silly robot anyway—just say, “I’m out,” and walk away.  If your cat (why do you have a cat anyway?) decides to lie down on your expertly purple-painted watercolor masterpiece, just give that kitty a fierce stare, then say the words that will make that kitty KNOW that nothing it could ever do would phase you.

Do use around: Zombies, vacuum cleaners, car parts, Siri, Newt Gingrich

Do not use around: Girlfriends, Winter Ball dates, school principals, radioactive waste, cranky old bus drivers currently driving a vehicle you are in

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