Sign In
FHS
Staff

Belief in Magical 'Trash Disappearance God' Rapidly Spreading

By Noah Finer in Humor

Large?1458159112

A new religion called “Garbanism” has been reported rapidly spreading around students eating lunch within Fairview in which they refuse to throw out any trash. The litter counts as praying towards the God of their religion.

“We spend our time silently praying towards our holy God during lunch, who makes all trash disappear,” said junior and recent convert John Barnes. “We throw trash around the building and leave it on the ground for our God to remove for us, which counts as prayers towards him.”

A major factor that causes more students to flock towards the religion is how its missionaries have proof that it works.

“It’s impossible to deny the facts. If our God doesn’t exist, then why is our trash just gone the next day?” said local student missionary Barbara Taylor.

This argument has been troubling other students attempting to disprove the religion for months, leaving the religion as completely unfalsifiable.

“The custodians can’t be the ones cleaning up the trash as no one would ever want to touch such disgusting waste,” said local believer Eugene Young, “and I’m pretty sure no one has developed trash-picking up robots yet. The only answer is the magical God, who additionally appreciates our prayers in the form of various litter.”

According to the believers of the Trash God, a notebook, referred to as the Trashina, was the one piece of trash that the God never picked up. Instead, the God wrote inside the notebook special messages.

“Back in the glorious year of 2015, or 0 A.T. [After Trashina], a student left behind a trashy notebook by accident. The next day, in what appeared to be student’s handwriting, the rules of our religion were magically put on paper and left behind in the lost and found,” said missionary Taylor. “I read the Trashina nightly and it brings such wonderful dreams of littering with no shame!”

Not all staff and students in Fairview are inspired by the religion, though. As a surprise to Garbanists, the custodians think very negatively of the religion and refuse to believe it.

“Of course we pick up the trash. Who else would do it, some magical fairy?” said custodian Harry Griffin. “The followers of this stupid religion are simply not listening to the people who actually know what’s going on.”

But still, even the children of the custodians have begun to catch on to the religion, bringing Garbanism to new power and its historical convert numbers.

“I don’t care what my father tells me. I will never come back from Garbanism. I’ve never felt so good about leaving trash and I’ve never felt so happy for my father, who’s spared the work of taking out the trash and cleaning up litter,” said Shirley Morris, a Garbanist and daughter of a custodian. “But still, there’s a lingering feeling that I’m doing something morally wrong. That maybe there is no punishment of death for picking up trash. It’s probably just rumors from the non-believers though.”

Share this story: