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Cookie Culprit Part 1

By Carter Hanson in Humor


Student Jonas Williamswelt Freaks Out About Dropped Cookie

Following student Jonas Williamswelt’s cookie consumption in the FHS library last week, the IB Department faces charges from the Library Department here at FHS for supplying the culprit with the cookie.

Last Wednesday, Jonas Williamswelt visited the library to work on a science project. Soon after he sat down he dropped his melty chocolate-chip cookie right onto a reference book. Since then he has faced detention for weeks and has been forced to stay out of the library.

“I didn’t know about the ‘no food rule,’” said Williamswelt when questioned by library officials while in detention. “I was just working on science and, all of a sudden, Mrs. Brenda shouted at me for dropping my cookie!”

Following Williamswelt’s punishment, the issue escalated when it was found that the cookie used in the crime had been bought at the IB Store. Librarian Ella Brenda quickly placed the blame on the IB store, announcing it was the responsibility of the store to make sure that their customers were aware of the library cookie policy.

IB representative Dr. Michael Yuanga reposted by writing an email to Brenda announcing that what the customers did with their products was not their responsibility.  Though there is some logic to this, Brenda was not ready to give up.

“I am concerned at the very core principles of the IB Department. If they are so hard-headed and determined not to do the right thing, who knows the amount of corruption infecting their employees? Well I am not prepared to stand down,” said Mrs. Brenda at a Library Department meeting on Friday.

Mrs. Brenda then argued if a criminal uses a weapon bought at a store, the store is responsible for being allowed to sell horrendous weapons. The Library Department argues that cookies fall under the category of “horrendous weapons” when used to defile district property.

Thus far Williamswelt has kept quiet but in the face of both sides shoving him in the oven, he is taking a stand.

“Library Policy must be incorporated into standard education! It is the only way to end Library food abuse,” said Williamswelt on Tuesday.

Williamswelt has acted as a voice of reason and he has become someone we all can admire.

The development of the IB/ Library conflict could very well determine the future of our school. The two arch-rivals will clash on November 1st when they face off at the Boulder Small-Claims Court.

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