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Cookie Culprit Part 2

By Carter Hanson in Humor


Justice Vs. A Delicious Cookie

A few weeks ago, Jonas Williamswelt dropped a cookie on a reference book in the library. This initiated a heated discussion between the library department and the IB Program who sold the cookie to the culprit.

The confrontation has climaxed in a Small-Stakes Court Case between the two factions last week.

The November 1st case began with each of the attorneys delivering their opening statements. First, IB representative Arnold Reynoldson spoke on the defensive.

“I am astonished at the sheer lack of respect these librarians have shown,” said Reynoldson, “If their books are ruined by our cookies it’s obviously their fault.”

Next, librarian representative Shelly Field spoke on the attack. Though Feild’s credentials are non-existent, it was the best that the library department could afford.

“As a representative of the Colorado Reference Book Association (CRBA), this issue is personal to me. If cookies stain our books, the IB Department is to blame,” said Field.

The greatest surprise of the court case came when library representatives called for legendary British chef Richard Wilson to come up to the stage.

“As a chef, I have a responsibility to provide constructive criticism to my fellow food fanatics. I must say that the cookies made by the IB Store are exceedingly gooey and messy. This may show that the IB Department deliberately makes their cookies extra sloppy in order to ruin library reference books!” said Wilson.

The case ended with the jury unanimously ruling in favor of the IB Department.

“A satisfactory conclusion”, said Judge Johnson following the jury’s decision.

The Library, on the other hand, was not ready to give up.

They appealed then to the 2nd Food Court. The appeal ultimately failed after library representatives, in tragic desperation, attempted to bribe jurors.

They appealed again following this but it failed as well when the Library attempted to sway the jurors with free reference books. This did not sway the jurors as they prefered the cookies distributed by IB Representatives.

Finally, after a ridiculous amount of appeals, the case reached the supreme court. Unfortunately, thanks to the Senate’s failure to replace the empty seat once filled by Justice Scalia, no decision has been reached after a 4-4 tie.

So after rigorous months of appeals and after hours of the boring of jurors, we are still waiting for a response to the dreaded Cookie V. Reference Book Case of 2016.

But in the immortal words of Jonas Williamswelt; “I am really confused.”

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