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Freshman Found Alive After Three Weeks

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor

Freshman Anthony Knightly emerged into the student center after four weeks surviving against all odds in the 300 hallway.


Emergency Response Team members immediately placed Knightly into intensive care upon discovery. Members of the student’s community barely noticed he was missing after his disappearance on the first day of school.


“I wandered around looking for Room 367, but became totally lost,”Knightly said after he had recovered, “It was like a maze!”


The freshman, who was initially marked as absent during 3rd period of freshman orientation, was unable to locate either the room or an exit and then forced to stay at the school by himself because of the coming darkness. For four weeks, he survived by occasionally drinking his own urine and eating scraps from the catering class. Questions still remain about how he survived in such desperate conditions.


“It was tough. I was on the brink of starvation when I realized that I could scrape the flour off of the rolling pins. Once I found a few squeezed limes; that was a good day,” Knightly said.


Through Knightly’s harrowing experience, he did experience some small victories.


“I tried to stay around water fountains since they were my only way to get clean water, but I often got lost and couldn’t find them again,” he said,” about two and a half weeks in, I found the lost-and-found with piles of forgotten water bottles. No urine for me that day.”


Completely made-up Knight Crew leaders Emily Huggans and Jake Van-Bakker described Anthony as a quiet and shy student who stayed at the back of the group as they walked around the school.


“We noticed he was gone during Freshman Seminar, but thought he had moved to Hawaii or something,” said Huggans.


Unable to find the room, Knightly wandered the halls looking for an exit and hoping for help during passing periods.


“I tried to ask for help a few times, from people going to classes,” he said, “but they always seemed so busy that I thought that I wouldn’t bother them. I moved here from Arkansas so absolutely nobody knows my name, and I’m not really one for introductions.”


During his lonely days in the hall, he spent his time thinking about the foods that he missed and the activities that he would have been doing.


“What I really wanted was some pesto-pineapple pizza, or a good scoop of bacon-flavored mashed potatoes,” Knightly said. “At least I didn’t have homework… oh, man, I’m going to have so much homework to make up!”


After four long weeks looking for a way out, Anthony Knightly found the stairs leading to the 500 hall and crawled past the choir room. Exhausted, local lunch-eaters found and brought him to the nurse’s office where the Emergency Response Team was called.

“All in all, I’m glad to be back in society,” he said after doctors released him from intensive care. “From now on, I will always bring a GPS and extra food and water as I trek to class.”

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