How To Find Your Winter Romance
It’s that time of year again: time to find your winter romance. Everyone needs someone to cuddle by the fire with, and sometimes your feline friends just don’t do the job. So here’s a quick 7 step process of how to capture and keep your very own winter lover. 1) There are two kinds of people on this planet: People who love pumpkin spice lattes and lying fascists. The greatest gift you can give your potential lover is a hot, steaming cup of pumpkiny love juice. Begin leaving pumpkin spice lattes in all of their favorite places. In order to do this, you’ll have to find and memorize their schedule, but this should be easily manageable. 2) Throw snowballs at them. Remember elementary school, when you could just throw things at the object of your affections and they would fall in love with you in return? Me neither. But that rule still applies now, I promise. Also, really don’t hold back. Throw that snowball as hard as you can. If you truly love this person, maybe even add in a couple rocks. 3) Knit them a sweater with your face on it. Everyone loves fluffy sweaters, and if your glorious face is emblazoned on it, they will not be able to keep you off their mind. You will be with them everywhere they go. 4) Get arrested on grounds of stalking. This will inevitably happen, but don’t worry. That means the plan is working. 5) Cry 6) Escape from prison 7) Grow a mustache, change your name, and move away for a while. Maybe open a cafe in Guatemala. When you return, relocate your lover and start this process over again. You have to do it several times for them to finally love you. And good news, the restraining order your true love has against you can no longer apply because of your extremely authentic mustache! (I’m pretty sure that’s how laws work.) Good luck! You’ll be cuddling by the fire with that special someone in no time if you follow these simple steps.