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How to Get More Snow Days

By Noah Finer in Humor


A blue sky could always turn white!

This year, students have received a record amount of snow days in recent history for the BVSD district. Previously, it had been unheard of to receive the monstrous amount of one snow day, but somehow BVSD managed to create two snow days. Some are celebrating the joy of having so many days off and accepting what they have already received, but I believe that we can do better. With plenty of winter left, there is a chance to even have dozens or even hundreds of snow days in the future. I have fortunately taken the time to create a perfected master ritual to create a snow day another time this year, taking suggestions from students all around. All students can expect a third snow day some time next week, then even more afterwards, as long as everyone joins on the rituals. Unfortunately, some students doubt some of the necessary steps to developing a snow day. 1) Firstly, maybe even starting weeks before the potential snow day, it is essential to fulfill the ritual passed down from students of sleeping with pajamas being inside-out. Unfortunately, some obstacles may immediately occur during the rituals with the current mindset that the student body has. “I mean sleeping with your pajamas inside out probably doesn’t do anything,” said junior Andrea Staehelin. But how can anyone be sure that it does nothing? Is it possible to test? And if it is tested, there is always the possibility that chance is affecting the results, even if statistical tests say otherwise. Because it’s most likely incredibly likely to work and be successful, the inside-out pajama ritual must stay. 2) Some time in the day before the snow day, students must follow the century-old tradition of sacrificing creatures to the holy BVSD Gods to help influence them to shut down schools. Started by the Aztecs and Mayans, the used sacrifices to never have school, and by doing so, they never had a day of BVSD-run school. Unfortunately, students still doubt this essential step to our snow days. “[Sacrificing] wouldn’t be worth it for a snow day. [Maybe I’d sacrifice a] blade of grass,” said senior Ray Guthrie. Unfortunately, Guthrie is misinformed, as snow days are things students must devote lives to, not just including their own. Sacrifices are needed to show our dedication and can range from snowmen to other important items, including iPhones, laptops, and cars. And if Aztecs, Mayans, and others had our modern-day technologies, they most likely would have been far more successful in persuasion of BVSD gods. 3) Additionally, obvious rituals must be tied in with a decent mix of much more subtle ones. Therefore, students must also breathe in a morse code pattern that decodes to “snow day.” Therefore, any person in BVSD who know morse code subconsciously will be surrounded with encouragement for a snowday. “If I really had to, yeah. Whatever I’m told worked,” said sophomore Keilea Barth. Finally, a student agrees that there is reasoning for doing rituals. Though these rituals are spread by trustworthy sources like myself, what really matters is that Barth realizes the truth: that all students have to do what they’re told, no matter the source. If there’s a chance of a snow day, we obviously need to do these rituals. 4) Another common practice is to flush a dozen ice cubes and snow clumps down the toilet. The toilet flushing should help in some way, probably. “I think [you] would have to put more effort into convincing Bruce Messinger instead of rituals,” said senior Moriah Glennon. Maybe I’m thinking about snow day rituals wrong. Many students doubt my ideas, and I’m not sure why. The suggestion to convince no one else than Bruce Messinger really made me evolve the ideas that I now see as ridiculous into something new and beautiful. Maybe this article doesn’t even need to be classified as humor anymore. The solution: convince Bruce Messinger to do these rituals! With Messinger doing the rituals, he most likely will convince himself in the process! With the true answer of receiving snow days now out in the world, it will soon be inevitable to have hundreds of more snow days this year.

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