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How to Improve the Bathrooms

By Noah Finer in Humor


Diamond walls are just one of the many improvements for the bathrooms.

Fairview’s bathrooms are incredibly strange and have been for an uncountable amount of time. But now is the time for change. Many students have voiced their complaints and I have put in the effort to finally propose realistic changes to the bathrooms.

After contemplating what would be best for the student body for weeks on end, I have come up with suggestions everyone is sure to love. Hopefully, with the new bond money and other outside fundraising, we can strive to make the Fairview experience better for everyone.

1 - A major concern in the boys’ bathrooms has always been graffiti. Large portions of it have been known to be vulgar; there is only one option.

“Just get something that’s harder to scratch,” said sophomore Jesse Blank.

The solution is obvious. Replace all the walls with pure diamond, with a 10 on the Mohs hardness scale! A carat of diamond has a diameter of 33.2mm at a price of $6,000, so a 20m2 wall only costs $3.61 million to be covered in diamonds. Critics may argue that, at $77.71/month to feed a family in poverty, we could feed 46,500 families for a month instead of purchasing one of these walls. But how is anything more important than partially removing graffiti from boys’ restrooms?

Diamond encrusted walls for the boys' bathroom!

Diamond encrusted walls for the boys' bathroom!

2 - But the story is different for the girls’ bathrooms. Graffiti found there, at times, isn’t all bad.

“A lot of it, at least in girl’s bathrooms, could be potentially encouraging,” said Claire Jaminson, a junior.

Instead of eliminating all graffiti from the girl’s bathroom, good, motivational scribbles should be embraced and encouraged. Therefore, making the walls pure sulfur, ranking 1.5 on the hardness scale, should do the trick. Coming in at $1000/4.83m3, a 5mx4mx1m wall comes in at the cheap price of $4,140. Additionally, the smell would make little difference, due to the fact that it is a bathroom.

Sulfur walls to encourage good graffiti

Sulfur walls to encourage good graffiti

But, unfortunately, not all graffiti is good graffiti. There are still students who think that they can get away with writing something bad on a stall or wall. Fortunately, there is an easy solution to remove bad graffiti from both bathrooms on top of the new walls if the new walls are to fail.

“If they write on the stalls, [try] scaring them,” said Lizeth Hernandez-Garcia, a sophomore.

The easiest way to scare students is by taking away what they love the most if they write bad graffiti on walls: their lives. Fake blood can be smeared on the wall to urge students to only write good graffiti, and therefore scare them into only writing positive statements if they decide to.

Fake blood smears to discourage bad graffiti

Fake blood smears to discourage bad graffiti

3 - But the interior of the bathrooms isn’t where all the issues are, though it is contains some of the largest. The bathrooms’ interference with the hallways is another problem.

“There’s usually a line at the door during passing period,” said senior Isabella Dalla Betta.

The cramped size of the bathrooms or the lack of stalls can easily be the cause of the line expanding into the hallway. Fortunately, the solution to the lines is obvious: add a gigantic neodymium spherical magnet with a 32” diameter! By adding this magnet, all metallic items, including phones, keys, and other important accessories, will fly into the bathroom, forcing students to run in and therefore rid of any line. Additionally, a small cylinder with a volume of 19in3 can pull 578 pounds, meaning the possibilities of using a 17,000in3 sphere magnet are just about endless!

32" diameter neodymium magnet to destroy lines

32" diameter neodymium magnet to destroy lines

4 - But the interior of the bathrooms still contains many crucial issues regarding their sanitation and how welcoming they are compared to the rest of the school. They are bathrooms, and students don’t like that.

“Make them someplace I would want to go,” said Jesse Bevan, a sophomore.

But the custodians are already doing a great job with cleaning and that’s not what is scaring kids away. There’s a fundamental issue with the bathrooms, and that is that they are bathrooms. By making Fairview’s bathrooms unique and comfortable, everyone will love to go there. Students have already thrown around ideas to improve this aspect.

“Maybe nice jazz music in the background,” said senior Frank Ryder.

By hiring a full-time jazz band to play 24/7, students will love relieving themselves! And by paying them enough, they will not need any breaks during the day, and therefore, while playing, they could clean, eliminating any need for custodians to work in the harsh conditions of Fairview’s bathrooms.

Jazz band whose members double up as full-time janitors

Jazz band whose members double up as full-time janitors

5 - Unfortunately, the bands can only clean the surfaces nearby them and other areas still must be cleaned if the bathrooms are to be self-sufficient and janitors are to have their labor saved.

“Washing mirrors and sinks [should be added],” said sophomore Mireya Nystrom.

An automatically washing mirror is no big deal to add to bathrooms, since the solution isn’t farther away than the senior parking lot: windshield wipers! Even better, permanently borrowing the wipers from seniors can allow the school to save huge amounts of money. By hooking them up to a speedy motor to constantly clean the mirrors, the bathrooms will be the perfect spot to hang out at, not requiring any effort to clean at all.

Automatically cleaning mirrors

Automatically cleaning mirrors

Though some of these new ideas may seem discouraging at first, they are necessary for the well-being of the school. Some may argue that they are far too costly and that we should use our money in different ways, but these lunatics don’t know how desperate the student body is. We need these new bathrooms, and they are the only way to keep our school happy and healthy.

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