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Judge Condemns New Yorkers to Obesity

By Alex Ray, Maddie Stachniak in Humor

In a recent ruling, Justice Milton A. Tingling Jr. of New York’s State Supreme Court has deemed New York’s new ban on large sugary drinks unconstitutional. Tingling controversially calls this ban “arbitrary and capricious” and, in his ruling, ensures obesity for America’s economic capital. Sodas and other sugary drinks are fattening and extremely unhealthy, which automatically make them the most consumed beverage in New York. In recent studies, it has been shown that 98% of all fat in the human body is caused by the delicious, carbonated nectar that is soda. This ban on sugary drinks above 24oz, while it was enacted, gave the New Yorkers a perfect opportunity to live the healthy life styles they always wanted. I myself know how hard it is to stay healthy, as I consider the trek from the couch to the fridge my daily exercise. Unfortunately, this judge believes that humans are, in fact, capable of self control, and that it isn’t necessary to have such a ban. I am here to tell you that humans, no matter how intelligent, have the self control of a fat corgi in a butcher shop. Due to the ban being stricken down, New Yorkers, along with the rest of the US, will continue their consistent degradation into the people from Wall-E.

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