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Kylo Ren Forms Army of Identically Dressed Junior Boys

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor


New recruits Adam and Jeremy.

Reports have emerged the Sith Lord Kylo Ren is amassing an army of junior boys clad in uniform down vests, khaki pants, and boat shoes in order to combat the threat Luke Skywalker returning in exceptional style.

“At first I was worried that joining a fascist military would mean that I would have to wear some dorky suit of armor,“ said recent recruit and Junior Thomas Hank, “but from my Sperrys to my finely gelled hair, I feel pretty fly.”

The charismatic and user of extreme amounts of hair gel, Kylo Ren, found it very easy to create from the population of the school an army that had the same uniformity as clones.

“Usually I have to shell out so much money to buy uniforms that make us look cool, but these guys all think they look pretty great to begin with so I figured I’d just roll with it,” said the Sith Lord at a press conference.

For the small minority of junior boys who do not already have the uniform, the First Order provides them with a black vest, khakis, Sperrys and a lanyard they can twirl around if they achieve the rank of officer.

“I chose the First Order to better achieve my Ivy League goals,” said one recruit. “Between Model UN and fighting rebels with style, my resume will be set.”

Should this newly built army be destroyed in a superweapon explosion or desertion from news of a Vineyard Vines sale, Kylo Ren rests assured that he will be able to form a new army out of leggings and loose fitting shirt clad sophomores.

“It really is too easy,” said Ren. “It’s like I made a clone army without even putting fish food in test tubes.”

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