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Leadership Speeches 101

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor

The end of the year is when many students run for leadership positions in various elitist clubs and organizations. A good speech is imperative to winning the loyalty and fear of your fellow members. With these simple tips, you too can rule over your lowly peers in a leadership position as you send repetitive emails and post Facebook updates.

Quote the Fascist Manifesto: “Believe, Obey, Fight!” This shows that you are assertive, loyal, and are well versed in Fascist history as you channel your inner Mussolini (a fine leader by all accounts.) Confess how you consistently misspell the word “tomorrow” and have trouble solving matrices. While you may be the perfect specimen of a candidate, self-deprecation is in. Instruct the audience to look under their seats. When they find nothing and appear confused, tell them that they have to work for it and vote for you. The only thing that successfully motivates people is hunger and greed, so when they realize how badly they want a special treat, the vote is yours. Base your speech around flashy buzzwords like “fiscal responsibility,” “optionality,” “leadership interfacing,” and “Machiavellianism.” While you may have no idea what you are talking about and what specific things you plan to do during your term, the buzzwords will keep the speech strong. Lead the audience in burning effigies of the former leadership team. Regardless of their past accomplishments, every club member enjoys focusing on the faults experienced this year as they watch things on fire. Pound your fists on the podium and make frequent intimidation screams. This asserts your dominance as alpha candidate. If this doesn’t appeal to the audience it will at least get into the minds of your opponents. Breath heavily into the microphone when speaking and beatbox softly when you pause. Pausing creates emphasis; beatboxing emphasizes the emphasis. Forcefully drop the mic after you finish your speech. Make sure that it bounces off of the ground a few time to really let your message sink into the hearts of the voters. When leaving the stage, maintain direct eye contact with your audience. Exit backwards if you must, just do not turn your back to the audience, as this is a sign of weakness and leaves you vulnerable in case you are attacked.

Good luck to everyone running for a leadership position. If these tips fail you, remember you can also organize a coup as you secure your dominance over the club for the next 25 years. [drop mic here]

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