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New Report By Students Finds BVSD, Superintendent Horrible People, Root of All Evil

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor

At a press meeting on Tuesday, the We-Should-Not-Have-School-Today Association of Students (WSNHSTAS) released a report detailing the findings from their recent observations of Boulder Valley School District and Superintendent Bruce Messinger’s reaction to the new snow on Wednesday night and the possibility of a snow-day.

“He’s a monster!” said Chairman Pablo Jennings. “Everybody wanted a snow-day and he just let school go on. What sort of person would do that?”

The report, which emerged after widespread outrage over the decision, criticized those involved with the decision to continue regularly scheduled school on the grounds that they made students go to school when they didn’t want to. While the safety of students was also an issue listed in the report, the WSNHSTAS freely admits that not being able to have the day off from school is much more important.

“The safety part of it is just so we have a real reason to wish school was cancelled,” Jennings said. “If it was a snow-day, many people would still dangerously sled, walk out on frozen lakes, and drive to do things with their friends.”

For the report, monitors from the student organization made careful observations of the members of the group who decides on snow-days and their general evilness.

“Throughout the evening of the 25th we recorded Messinger and other influential people’s actions surrounding cancelling school,” Jennings said. “When that green dot on the website never turned red to signal the start of a wonderful day, we knew exactly what kind of a person our superintendent was.”

While the report does not include any information about other of the actions, many positive, that Messinger has taken while in Boulder Valley, the harsh criticism has received large support from the student body.

“I used to just think it, but now I know for sure,” junior Taylor Martin said. ”Bruce Messinger is the worst person ever! For all we know, that might not be his real name!”

While many other people from BVSD are also responsible for making a decision about snow-days and many factors are taken into account, there has always been direct retaliation towards him on snowy days.

“Last year I sent an email to Dr. Messinger saying that we shouldn’t have had school the day before,” said Martin. “The roads were treacherous, it was nearly too cold to walk, and I had made up my mind the night before to not do homework because it was snowing so hard.”

Some have come out in favor of the decision to keep schools open and support Messinger.

“Too many people are giving the district a bad rap,” said car crash enthusiast Ronald Kranikowist. “It’s unfair to prevent students from driving to school and learning. And besides, there is nothing like a good morning of sliding wheels, traffic delays, and constant danger.”

Inflammatory language like “horrible person,” “hellish demon,” “root of all evil,” and even “dumb dumb poopy face” were used in the report to describe the BVSD employees and the Superintendent who has now “deprived innocent children of all happiness and freedom” for 3.5 years.

“Okay, so we might have gone a little bit over the top with our description of Bruce,” said WSNHSTAS member Travon Helinski, “but can you really be too harsh against somebody who continued our regularly scheduled week in the name of education?”

The WSNHSTAS coupled this report with a statement that it definitely should have been a snow-day and the district was incorrect in their superior use of knowledge of road conditions and school access.

“The group who makes decisions about closing school and Bruce Messinger made one crucial mistake,” Jennings said. “They forgot to factor in that we don’t want to go to school. Especially when there’s a good excuse like snow.”

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