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Senior Starts Clown Hunting Club

By Patrick Stachniak and Arvand Aidun in Humor

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Clown sightings in the halls

Local senior Jacob Sterling started the Clown Hunting Club last week, a club dedicated to the defense of the school from the onslaught of these supposedly evil clowns.

More and more clowns are seen around the world and Fairview is no different. Many sightings were reported to the security staff, sightings that grow exponentially as Halloween approaches. Despite no physical evidence, people have begun having fears.

Freshman John Schmitt is a witness to this strange clowning activity.

“I was at the bus stop, when I saw the bus drive up with a clown holding onto the side,” said Schmitt as he paused and shivered. “He jumped off and started chasing me.”

Schmitt immediately ran to the school but soon discovered the clown was no longer chasing him.

“I guess I must have scared him off,” said Schmitt.

Schmitt’s ordeal is just one of hundreds that have occurred on Fairview premises. The school needed a hero, and his name is Jacob Sterling.

“I heard about these clown incidents and just knew I had to take action,” said Sterling. “I went to the admins and got school sanctioned approval to start the FHS Clown Hunting club.”

The club meets every Thursday during lunch in room 420. New recruits are asked to bring in their preferred weapon, though if they have none, one will be provided to them. Weapons include maces, flails and other medieval devices.

Jesse Craig, freshman, is a new recruit.

“It's been a huge learning experience and I take comfort knowing I am protecting my school,” he said. “Protecting the school by catching me some clowns.”

Sterling described the club’s hunting methods.

“Well, we have traps laid all over the school and around Viele Lake. All you really need is a tree branch, some rope, and either a custard pie or an oversized pair of shoes as bait,” said Sterling.

When their traps fail to catch anything, they plan clown raids. They stride into the darkness, torches alight, ready for the taste of man-to-clown combat.

Sterling talked of his club’s efficacy.

“Yeah, since the club got started, not a single clown attack has been at Fairview,” said Sterling. “I wouldn’t say I’m a hero, but others should.”

At that moment, cops burst into the room, claiming they were there to arrest Sterling for being a serial birthday clown assaulter.

“I dunno what this kid was thinking,” said the Lieutenant. “Crashing birthday parties and attacking the clowns, but he’s going away for a loooong time.”

So it was all fake. There were no evil clowns and Jacob is a fraud.

The lieutenant left with just this to say: “They’re people with face paint. Chill out, morons.”

 

 

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