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Senior Survival: Drama Heats Up as Only Four Contestants Remain Engaged With Class

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor


The tension is building on Senior Survival, a blockbuster reality TV show starring Fairview seniors in a competition to see who can be the final contestant to stay engaged in their class. Now only four students remain who have not succumbed to staring at their phones in a braindead coma.


“Last time on Senior Survival, Jonas, the solid rock of the class, finally succumbed to his phone,” announced teacher Ms. Gradmore at the start of yesterday’s class, “and Taylor decided to make a mid-class burrito run. Tension remains to see who will make it to the end.”


The ratings of the show have progressively gone up over the course of the semester as viewers hang on to find out who will be the last student to stay interested in the class.


“I was a total Jonas-er,” said sophomore Josie Krandal, who has been turning the seniors into role models since January, “but I guess everybody loses interest in class eventually.”


Contestants in the 8th hour english class have had to face arduous challenges that test their motivation. In a recent episode, one student had to write a paragraph reflection while another had to get up to sharpen his pencil.


“I could make it through the group projects by not doing work and I pushed through some of the assignments,” said Kate who was eliminated mid-semester. ”After my college acceptance came and I was eliminated from the show, I was thankful to see my family and Netflix account again.”


The final four students who remain in the class have all exhibited outstanding perseverance throughout the year. Nevertheless, some suspect that the students have been using a new performance enhancing drug: scholarships.


Shunned by the Senior Year Sport Organization, scholarships provide some students with unfair motivation to do work.


“I hate to even propose the idea because it ruins the sport of staying motivated in senior year,” said senior Matt Froman, “but the only way they could work to maintain their As so well is they had a scholarship that depended on their grades at the end of the year.”


Despite these potentially damaging allegations, the show continues to gain in popularity among all demographics but especially among increasingly lazy seniors.


“More and more people tune in as they stop doing their schoolwork and turn to hours of mindless television,” said producer Hilary MacGregor. “The only thing people like more than doing absolutely nothing is watching other students do absolutely nothing.”

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