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Summer Classifieds

By Owyn Cooper in Humor

It was the best of jobs, it was the worst of jobs. Whatever your reason may be for getting a job this summer, definitely try to apply at one of these winners for the primary source of your income.

Health Food Grocery Store Bagger

The sounds of people who bombard you with questions like “Why isn’t this organic?” and “What do you mean you don’t carry (obscure low-calorie, gluten-free, carb-free food?)” will be your Grammy award-winning soundtrack for the summer. Make sure to bring your bagging gloves and practice your “I am barely containing my anger at your stupidity” face. It’ll build character!

Coffee Shop Barista

Imagine: It’s 6:30 in the morning and you’re behind the Starbucks counter. A grouchy businessman with a bad toupee comes right up to you and demands the most complicated order you’ve ever heard, spouting words like “frappe” and “venti” and “coffee.” Next thing you know, he’ll be expecting a “hot chocolate.”

Intern

You may be thinking, “Interning is not a job! Go get a real job, you hippie!” But that’s because you think that you won’t get paid. You do get paid: in experience. Because experience pays the bills and makes sure you can get food on the table. Take your experience right to the bank. Right after you get your boss their coffee.

Kids’ Counselor

The children that are under your watch will often lull you into a false sense that everything’s tranquil and then BAM! They strike when you’re blinking and suddenly, every child under 12 is hanging from the ceiling wearing nothing but their superhero jammies. Okay, individually kids are kinda alright. But put them in a group and they become a zombie horde requiring chocolate and candy and attention.

Remain Jobless

Who cares about responsibility?! You certainly don’t! Sit around in your underwear, eat mounds of chips and cartons of ice cream, and watch things on Netflix! Sleep 40 hours straight! Bask in your own filth! I swear, it’s the best job ever. Well, until you’re perpetually jobless and living in a box. Even worse, you won’t have Netflix.

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