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Teacher Can’t Deny He Will Enjoy Giving Students Difficult Final

By Ben Gelderloos in Humor

Teacher Frank Hamilton of the Psychology Department openly declared Monday that he will find great pleasure in writing and administering an extremely hard final for his students before winter break.


“I can’t hide it anymore,” he said. “It is so much fun to watch the kids suffer and do poorly after they studied for hours!”


Hamilton, who usually tells his classes that he tries not to make the final very hard, is planning a 500-point final that will constitute 45% of their semester grade.


“It is going to have a 3000-word essay, some complex short-answer questions with multiple parts, and 25 multiple-choice questions,” said Hamilton, “I put the multiple choice in so that they will think it is easy, but it will actually be nearly impossible.”


While he still insists that his primary goal is to aid students in their learning, many of his students report that maniacal laughing often disrupts the class.


“I could get if he thought that a tough final would make us study harder,” said student Jenny Hagleton, “but his screams of laughter when we ask about the final are a little bit intimidating.”


Some of his students have insisted on switching to a different class before the next semester, and still more are organizing study groups and tutoring sessions.


“It’s just like stepping on an anthill,” said Hamilton, “chaos erupts, but they can’t do anything as I crush their helpless grade.”


A very tough final is just one of many changes that Mr. Hamilton is planning for the class after coming out about his teaching motives.


“Why should I stop there?” he said. “I can give pop quizzes and test questions on things no one could ever know and, oh, oh, I could only tell them about assignments a few days before they are due. There is so much fun to be had!”


While Hamilton does plan to let most of his students fail his final, he has a surprise for them when they come back after winter break.


“Of course I will curve it,” he said, “but not before I give them a period-long disappointment speech and explain to them how easy it should have been.”

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