Sign In

The Banner's 2013 Predictions

By Maddie Stachniak and Alex Ray in Humor

Now that we are just getting into the new year, here are some of the Royal Banner’s predictions as to what will happen in the year 2013.

  1. Jack Nicholson will clone himself, but his clone will beat him out for an Oscar with his portrayal of Jack Nicholson in a deeply moving biographical film.

  2. One Direction will begin a polygamist relationship with Justin Bieber. They will have two children: Ringo and Blue Ice.

  3. In Day 67 of the Hipster Rebellion, a massive battle will occur, leaving 210 Taylor Swift and  103  Bon Iver fans dead.

  4. Snoop Lion will release a new album, only to wake up with a gasp, realizing that he is actually a middle aged woman named Lisa and that he shouldn't have eaten so many brownies before bed.

  5. Aliens will infiltrate earth disguised as pouty, sparkly teenagers after mistakenly reading the Twilight Saga as a guide to earthling behavior.

  6. China will get the Rocky Mountains, Great Plains, and Hawaii: China will finally ask for the US to repay it’s extensive debts. With the multi-trillion dollars that the US is already in debt, we will need to repay China with our precious land. My suggestion would be to sacrifice Nebraska, Utah, and Kansas, as they contribute nothing to society.

  7. Fox News will finally admit that Kim Jong Il was, in fact, the son of Rush Limbaugh.

  8. Justin Bieber admits that he smokes pot to help him cope with his daddy issues.

  9. Disney, in an effort to introduce more diversity into their vast repertoire of princess movies, will give men the opportunity to star as princesses. This is a great step in the reduction of the amount of anti-male sexism in the world.

  10. President Obama will mint a trillion dollar coin, only to have Nicholas Cage steal it in National Treasure 3.

Share this story:

Other stories by Maddie Stachniak and Alex Ray: