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Tissue Mafia Gains Control of Fairview Tissue Market

By Michal Olesiak in Humor


The Don of Tissues, Marco “The Don” La Velina. Photo by Michal Olesiak

It used to be plato o plomo (silver or lead), but now during a peak sick season, it has become tissue or lead. Due to necessity and scarcity, the value of the Fairview tissue is skyrocketing, attracting many groups to make a profit. The largest and most prominent of these groups is the Fairview Tissue Knights.

“Forget about it,” said James Chusteczka, the Tissue Knight in charge of the 600 hallway. “This isn’t some business that whacks people, well, unless you’re like Donny and refuse to pay tribute. Then you’re just askin’ for it. We’re just a bunch of wise guys who get stuff done for a bit of a profit. We’re what you’d call, uh...entrepreneurs.”

Before the group came onto the scene, the halls were littered with kids lacking tissues, and classrooms had gone weeks without seeing a single box. However, since the start of the semester a new leader has taken control of the group, know as The Don of Tissues, Marco “The Don” La Velina.

“What gave The Don the edge were those lotion infused tissues he first introduced,” said Hans Taschentuch, the first associate The Don ever employed. “People back then were still using toilet paper as tissues. The thought alone irritates my nose. What The Don did was a bold move, but I swear on all the Kleenexes I own, it payed off.”

This has come to become the Golden Age, with The Don transforming what used to be individual groups out for themselves into an organized and efficient organization. The Don has promised that by the end of this sick season, and in preparation for Spring allergies, three in ten tissues will be lotion infused, and no classroom will go a day without having a box.

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be wise guy,” said The Don. “We provide a service; this thing of ours steps in when the school, when the classrooms, when the establishment doesn't, can't, provide for the students. We don't give them the tissues their noses need, but the tissues their noses deserve.”

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