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Treat Yourself, Go See Kingsman: The Secret Service

By Laura Brack in Arts & Culture

“Kingsman: The Secret Service” is simply awesome. It’s an enjoyable experience that I would repeat as many times over as possible. (This review contains spoilers.)

“Kingsman” has everything you could ever want in a movie. For one thing, it’s hilarious. The main villain is an awkward manchild with a noticeable lisp who can’t stand blood, who just so happens to be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Said villain, Richmond Valentine, prefers interviewing potential associates over a dinner of Big Macs and fine wine. Then the humor goes dark - the end of the film has a plethora of world leaders having their heads explode, all to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance. It is glorious.

And then, suddenly, it tugs at your heartstrings. The main character, Eggsy Unwin, has a backstory that is made of tears. His father, a Kingsman agent, died on the job; his mother remarried an abusive gang leader, and he appears to be the only person who cares about his little sister. Then, when he’s chosen to become a Kingsman candidate, he’s made fun of by the snobby rich kids who are the other agents. Taron Egerton, who plays Eggsy and is a relative newcomer, deserves praise for his performance - he’s perfectly heartbreaking, and should be cast as everyone in every movie ever

Then there are the moments that are just awesome. Colin Firth, while dressed in a very nice suit and glasses, destroys a Westboro Baptist-esque church, all while “Free Bird” plays in the background. Just before destroying this church, he also gets the best line in any movie, ever: “I’m a Catholic whore currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at military abortion clinic. Hail Satan and have a lovely afternoon, madam.”

The action sequences are all excellent - special mention goes to Valentine’s second-in-command, Gazelle, who has actual knives for feet and appears to slice a guy in half. There’s also the cool classy spy gadgets: lighters that are actually grenades, rings that are actually tasers, umbrellas that are actually bulletproof shields...

And then, you’re terrified! Valentine plans to drastically reduce the world by sending out a signal that increases aggression and decreases inhibition. Nobody aside from a chosen few are safe; if you have a cell phone, or are near a cell phone, you’re affected. Firstly, imagine that - you’re at school one day, learning, when suddenly you and everyone around you has the uncontrollable urge to kill everyone.  The film illustrates the scale of this plan by showing Eggsy’s mother, in a moment that is pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel, trying to kill her own baby daughter, beating down the door and holding a knife. Words don’t do the terror of the scene justice.

“Kingsman” is the best kind of emotional journey. It makes you feel everything. You’ll laugh, you’ll cheer, you’ll cry, you’ll squee over puppies, you’ll scream in terror...and you will love it. Treat yourself to some incredibly British action - you’ll thank yourself when you step out of the theater with a giant smile on your face.

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