This year, Fairview underwent a drastic and grave change. Students are clamoring with fear and outrage upon realizing what no one wanted to accept– the vending machine apple juice, which had previously been of the brand Tropicana, has mysteriously switched to Rejuv.
“I felt betrayed and concerned at the lack of good taste in the new apple juice,” said a sophomore response from a survey conducted via Google Forms.
Who made this decision? Who allowed Rejuv, out of dozens of brands, to succeed Tropicana? Why is Tropicana even being usurped? The survey demonstrates that 47.5% of respondents preferred last year’s apple juice. For reference, the remaining 52.5% of respondents had not tried both apple juices and had no opinion. Not one single soul preferred Rejuv. This is meant to be a democratic country, so why has this decision been made, defying the clear majority of Tropicana supporters? Students should feel safe in school, but with Rejuv lurking in the vending machines how could anyone feel safe?
“I had to get tea from the wellness center to calm myself,” said another sophomore from the survey. It is evident that students are enacting the most dire tactics to cope.
Not only this, but this blasphemy directly contradicts the words of the Declaration of Independence, the very document which founded this blessed nation. Students are hindered in their quest for joy, for this new apple juice does not evoke feelings of life and liberty. Furthermore, utilizing Rejuv interrupts students in their pursuit of happiness and supreme merriment. This is a devastating problem, not only for the state of our union and the foundation of independence, but also for students’ mental health.
“I’m so disappointed, it affected my mental health and made me cry, angry, it gave me PTSD and diabetes. I just want the old apple juice back,” said a senior from the survey.
To further support the argument against Rejuv, we conducted a blind apple juice taste test on 12 students. Sadly, there is a severe deficit of the magical potion we refer to as Tropicana in Colorado. The only location which sells it in person in this state at the time of this publication is a liquor store in North Boulder. They were sadly sold out though, so we decided to do a placebo experiment. We gave each participant two cups with the worse apple juice and told them that one was Rejuv and the other was Tropicana, and asked them to guess which was which. 11 of the 12 participants stated that they preferred the one they thought was Tropicana. The people want to believe that Tropicana is superior. In Tropicana we trust.
It is clear that this is an issue of utmost urgency. The reign of the beloved golden elixir of prosperity that was Tropicana apple juice has ended, and in its place is the tyrannical rule of the dictatorial dictator, Rejuv. We need to rise up against this and replace Rejuv with our leader, the benevolent Tropicana.
